Friday, December 30, 2011


I feel bad that I haven't posted in a really long time, but life's stressful and time is not really abundant.  This will be short but sweet.  Or at least, I hope.  :)

I want to be someone's Cinderella.  I was listening to the song Cinderella by Steven Curtis Chapman and I was so ready to start crying.  Especially when my cousin said I'm really brave for going through what I've gone through and come out mostly okay.

But the song is about how her dad thinks she's Cinderella and how he dances with her.  It's so sweet and yet so depressing.  All I want is my dad to have not thought I was just someone that he could throw around and trample all over just so he could accomplish what he wanted.

People always say that kids who've had bad parental problems, divorces, abuse, end up with someone who abuses them.

Not.  Me.

Whoever I end up with, they're not going to treat me like crap.  I'm not taking abuse from anyone else.  Sure, I might take it and shut up right now, but I won't in the long run.  I want to be a princess like everyone else.

I'm not going to wait around for Prince Charming.
I'm waiting for someone to think I'm his princess.

Friday, December 23, 2011


I feel terrible.

I haven't posted in days.


But I have nothing to say (Okay, that's a lie (I'm working on telling the truth about how I feel (not sure if that applies here...)) because I do have things to say, just not things I WANT to say) and no time to say them.  So here's what I must say.  (or want to say, either way)

‎"Being fearless isn't being 100% not fearful, it's being terrified but you jump anyway...." 

"To me, Fearless is not the absence of fear. It's not being completely unafraid. To me, Fearless is having fears. Fearless is having doubts. Lots of them. To me, Fearless is living in spite of those things that scare you to death." 

"It's FEARLESS to have faith that someday things will change." 

I don't think I'll have to tell you who said that....if I do, you must not know me very well. :)

But I have trouble being fearless.  I freak out about everything.

Mostly stupid things.  Like if I look okay, or if this stupid curl is sticking straight up (it ALWAYS does), if my eyeliner is too thick, if I sound like I have a cold because of my stupid allergies, will I be late?, what did I get on my freakin' test? (okay, maybe that one isn't stupid..), is this -certain- person going to be mean to me again?, does this shirt make me look fat?, my earring is gone!, does my hair smell?  Better go wash it, again!, I have to brush my teeth for the fourth time!, etc. etc. etc.

Yes, I do freak out about random, stupid things.  And yes, I do brush my teeth and wash my hair obsessively.  (more on that tomorrow)

I know I have to quit freaking out about things and just go with it.  I am afraid of everything.  For a common fear (not brushing your teeth multiple times, is not a common fear, believe it or not.) I have is heights.  I am deathly afraid of heights.  When I was a kid, I used to prove to all the wimpy boys that I could climb on top of the monkey bars.  But then they proved to me that I couldn't get down.  That was only because I was afraid of the height.  That's it.  I swear. :)

Being fearless is having fears.  I have fears.  PLENTY of fears.  An over abundance of fears.  Waaaay too many fears.  But according to the quote, that's a okay (that's how you would type that out, right?).

I'm trying not to be afraid of what people say about me, what I look like, who I am, or what might or might not happen.  You know you over thing when you come up with possibilities that are a one in a million chance and then you convince yourself that this time will be the one in a million.

So there's what I'm trying to do.  Be fearless.  'Cause I don't know how it gets better than this, you take my hand and drag me head first.  Fearless.  And I don't know why but with you I'll dance in a storm in my best dress.  Fearless.

(PS: Someday, I'm going to dance in a storm in my best dress...right after I sing in the rain. =D)


Tuesday, December 13, 2011

sing sing sing

I really love music.  Like I'd probably die without it.  Tell me I'm insane and obsessed, but I kinda am. :)

I wasn't sure what to write about but I knew I wanted to write a post so I decided that I would post all the songs that have really been inspirational for me lately.  So yeah, I don't really have to explain most of them, but I might.  :)

This is turning out to be waay longer than I thought it would be.  But I feel like I need to put them ALL up here. :)  Just a little warning: a lot (if not all) are sad songs or have a sad meaning.  But hey, I need it.  Just like I need to kill your time with hours of music. =D

My friend sent this to me once on facebook and she said that if you switch my name out with Emily's, it's my song. :)  Thanks, you know who you are! =D

I know I posted this a couple days ago but I love this song so let's post it again, shall we?? :)

Look up the lyrics and it'll make sense.  I'm scared that I don't matter.  I'm lost and I need to be found (hey that's a Britt Nicole song!).  No one listens to me anymore and my heart has broken down.  I don't have to move so I'm gonna turn around. :)

This song keeps telling me that no matter how many people tell me I'm not pretty, I'm fat, I'm just not that great, they're wrong.  Who says I can't be star?  Who says?

They don't have a music video for this song and that makes me sad.  :(  But I'm serious when I say that I say these lyrics to my mirror every single morning.

I'll admit, she's a little overdramatic.  But I'm so tired of trying to become what you want me to be.  It's killing me and I'm done.  If I want to straighten my hair or wear eyeliner, let me.  I'm gonna be who I want to be.  We've all got our scars, I've got mine, you have yours.

I remember one time I was at my house alone and I was cleaning the kitchen with my iPod plugged into the speakers.  It was on shuffle and this song came on.  I remember falling on the floor and crying.  The lyrics about killed me because they were so real.  I haven't prayed for an escape.  I just pray that God won't forget my way out, I know he's got one now.  I just have to trust it.

I keep trying to remember that people are there and they won't let me go.  This song keeps reminding me that I can't just give up.  Even if someone is there for me, I can't give up.

I know I don't cut myself, but I can relate to this song.  It scares me that I can, but I can.  My mom doesn't like listing to it, she thinks it's too depressing.  It is, I mean, I can't listen to it without crying.

I remember listening to this song when I was so ready to leave this stupid place and I realized that I need to stop.  I need to stay here because God wants me here.  There's some plan for me that I don't know about yet and I have to wait it out.  But sometimes I hit these times in my life where I wonder if it would actually matter if I was gone, if anyone would miss me, if I kept on trying if it would be worth it.  I know I have to keep trying because it is worth it.  Not sure if people would really miss me, but I know it's worth it to stick around.  Sorry, but you have to put up with me for longer. :)

I figured I might copy and past some of the stuff I wrote about this in my other post.  I'm tied together with a smile.  Taylor wrote this about her friend with bulimia and she wrote it for me with my problems.  I don't think I'm the only one who doesn't think I'm pretty.  If they did, would they still call me fat?  Yeah, I walk around here thinking I'm not pretty.  I'm trying to hold on but sometimes I can't do it anymore.  I cry an I don't tell anyone.  I'm not the golden one, the girl who's got it all.

This song isn't one I know really well, but I love it.   I feel like very eye is watching me, waiting me to fall, expecting me to lose.  I believe in you even when I see you crying.  Thank God, or no one would believe in me.  There will come a day when love will get me out, bring the truth, free me from my fear.    I'll get out.  I know God's getting me out.  I know he will.

Sorry that was long.  I didn't mean for it to be THAT long. :)  Thanks for reading/listening and I promise I'll post again this week.  Sometime.... :)

Thursday, December 8, 2011

you are more

There's a girl in the corner 
With tear stains on her eyes 
From the places she's wandered 
And the shame she can't hide 

She says, "How did I get here? 
I'm not who I once was. 
And I'm crippled by the fear 
That I've fallen too far to love" 

But don't you know who you are, 
What's been done for you? 
Yeah don't you know who you are? 

You are more than the choices that you've made, 
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes, 
You are more than the problems you create, 
You've been remade. 

Well she tries to believe it 
That she's been given new life 
But she can't shake the feeling 
That it's not true tonight 

She knows all the answers 
And she's rehearsed all the lines 
And so she'll try to do better 
But then she's too weak to try 

But don't you know who you are? 

You are more than the choices that you've made, 
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes, 
You are more than the problems you create, 
You've been remade. 

You are more than the choices that you've made, 
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes, 
You are more than the problems you create, 
You've been remade. 

'Cause this is not about what you've done, 
But what's been done for you. 
This is not about where you've been, 
But where your brokenness brings you to 

This is not about what you feel, 
But what He felt to forgive you, 
And what He felt to make you loved. 

You are more than the choices that you've made, 
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes, 
You are more than the problems you create, 
You've been remade. 

You are more than the choices that you've made, 
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes, 
You are more than the problems you create, 
You've been remade. 

You've been remade 
You've been remade. 
You've been remade. 
You've been remade.

Yeah, that's my song.  Or one of my songs.  I've done all of this.  Watch the video, people carry so much more than they're going to tell you.  You think guys are the only one's who keep in their emotions.  There's things no one knows about me.  I've done things I wish I never did, said things that never should've been said, thought things that hurt me, but it doesn't define me.

I was that girl in the corner.  I don't know how I got here, why I'm here.  None of this makes any sense to me.  I used to be this carefree girl who never wore the color pink and sang Someday my prince will come in my backyard.  I didn't think people could be mean, and I never thought my dad could be so heartless.  Now I'm this girl who was hospitalized for suicide.  I've let myself self destruct from the inside out.  I know what people can do, I've been there.  My dad isn't Superman like I thought he was.  I watched superman fly away, and he's not coming back.

I would stand in front of my mirror and after I ripped myself up over my flaws, I would practice what I would tell people when they asked me what I ate or how I was.  I've told more people that I was doing good or I was okay than I actually have been.  I've cried myself to sleep because I didn't think my life was going anywhere but down.

I am more than the choices that I've made.  I'm more than the sum of my past mistakes.  And I am more than the problems I create.  Or that I fall into.

It's hard to believe I'm more, but it's true.  I guess it's one of those things where I know that it's true, but I don't believe it.  I wish I did.  I wish I believed people when they told me I was pretty.  I wish I believed my dad could change.  I wish I believed my life is going to get better.  I really wish I could.

Sure, I'm screwed up.  Honestly, that's the easiest way to put it.  I've got more scars than I ever thought I could have.  I carry around things I never would've imagined.  I've done things that I never thought I would do.  It changed me and I would go back and make it stop if I could.  But I can't.  I can't fade the scars or ignore the past.  Yes, I could move on.  But sometimes it's just too hard to move on.  If you move on completely, then you'll forget your past which is a part of you.  If I like it or not...

Tuesday, December 6, 2011


I realized I said I was posting every day for two weeks.  Well that didn't happen...sorry bout that.

I am still having problems coming up with blogging ideas.  So I read articles about what to write about when you can't think of anything to write about!  Haha, I'm sad.  Be quiet now.

Q. What did I write about a year ago?

A. Nothing!  That's right!  The nearest date to now was December 1, 2010.  So we'll use that. XD

Here's my original post:

I know I haven't been posting a lot.  I don't come by too much free time.  Here's the quick story of everything.
1. I'm almost done with the first semester of school (behind I know!) and I plan on working over Christmas break, so I can get done with the second.
2. I have strep throat and I'm currently blaming Danielle.
3. I plan on having a photoshoot with bethany and Heather some time soon.  I had to cancel the last one thanks to strep thanks to Danielle.
4.  I did a shoot with Sophia a while back and if you go to my photo blog you can watch the movie.
5.  I made a movie with Sophia in it, (4.)
6. My dad's a dummy and he's a jerk.  I'm having to spend Christmas with him.  GOD TAKE ME NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
7. I might be able to get out of 6.
8. Elizbeth's being a meany.  Please pray that she's nice.
9.  Elizabeth's trying to break Bethany
10.  White Collar doesn't come back on until january. :[
11. We were givin hacking rights by a lady from an auto transportation company
12.  My mother bought a minivan.  :(
13.  Right when I can drive my mother's truck and not die, she sells it
14.  It's not sold yet, so I can still crash.
15.  I'm going to have to learn to drive in a minivan
16.  Not even Bethany is learning with the big van
17.  I'm getting sick and tired of being sick and tired
18. I'm not contageuos.  -ACHOOO-  You're not sick!!!
19.  Anyone getting bored?
20.  I've read 14k pages in two days.
21.  I had to right 21 so I could have a list that wasn't 20 things, it was 21.  :D  You know you love me!
22.  MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!  I lied,  there's 22 things!!!! My toes cramp up if I stand on them.

Yeah.  Pretty interesting.


I didn't actually have to go see him that year. :)  White Collar isn't coming back until January.  That makes me sad.  My mother still has her mini van and I did learn how to drive it, thank you very much. (gah!  I hate that thing!)  I don't feel like reading 14k pages of a book(s?) right now.  Haha, thanks anways.  Elizabeth still is a meany but she gave up trying to break Bethany.  I haven't done a real shoot since then.  I tried, but I had to use my sad point and shoot 'cause our camera got a booboo (multiple, actually) and was getting fixed.  I never did get around to the one with Bethany...

Wow...I used to think my life was so darn interesting. :)  Now it's just thrilling.


Yes, really.

You're an odd person, you know that?

Oh, shut up!  I'm not odd.  That's mean.  You're turning into Elizabeth.

Now that right there is mean!

Well, it's the truth.

Says who?

Says  me!  That's who!

Ugh, you're hopeless.

I take that as a comliment.

Sure you do...

Whoa...O_o  I just had an argument with myself.  I've been told I do that a lot....

Okay, moving on now.

I'm actually trying to come up with some good topics other than that up there ^

I think I shall leave you now, with that scary image of me arguing with myself imprinted in your brain.
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