Friday, December 23, 2011
I feel terrible.
I haven't posted in days.
But I have nothing to say (Okay, that's a lie (I'm working on telling the truth about how I feel (not sure if that applies here...)) because I do have things to say, just not things I WANT to say) and no time to say them. So here's what I must say. (or want to say, either way)
"Being fearless isn't being 100% not fearful, it's being terrified but you jump anyway...."
"To me, Fearless is not the absence of fear. It's not being completely unafraid. To me, Fearless is having fears. Fearless is having doubts. Lots of them. To me, Fearless is living in spite of those things that scare you to death."
"It's FEARLESS to have faith that someday things will change."
I don't think I'll have to tell you who said that....if I do, you must not know me very well. :)
But I have trouble being fearless. I freak out about everything.
Mostly stupid things. Like if I look okay, or if this stupid curl is sticking straight up (it ALWAYS does), if my eyeliner is too thick, if I sound like I have a cold because of my stupid allergies, will I be late?, what did I get on my freakin' test? (okay, maybe that one isn't stupid..), is this -certain- person going to be mean to me again?, does this shirt make me look fat?, my earring is gone!, does my hair smell? Better go wash it, again!, I have to brush my teeth for the fourth time!, etc. etc. etc.
Yes, I do freak out about random, stupid things. And yes, I do brush my teeth and wash my hair obsessively. (more on that tomorrow)
I know I have to quit freaking out about things and just go with it. I am afraid of everything. For a common fear (not brushing your teeth multiple times, is not a common fear, believe it or not.) I have is heights. I am deathly afraid of heights. When I was a kid, I used to prove to all the wimpy boys that I could climb on top of the monkey bars. But then they proved to me that I couldn't get down. That was only because I was afraid of the height. That's it. I swear. :)
Being fearless is having fears. I have fears. PLENTY of fears. An over abundance of fears. Waaaay too many fears. But according to the quote, that's a okay (that's how you would type that out, right?).
I'm trying not to be afraid of what people say about me, what I look like, who I am, or what might or might not happen. You know you over thing when you come up with possibilities that are a one in a million chance and then you convince yourself that this time will be the one in a million.
So there's what I'm trying to do. Be fearless. 'Cause I don't know how it gets better than this, you take my hand and drag me head first. Fearless. And I don't know why but with you I'll dance in a storm in my best dress. Fearless.
(PS: Someday, I'm going to dance in a storm in my best dress...right after I sing in the rain. =D)